Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Eating Disorder Accessories

Thanks for the sage advice, Jonathan Adler. Perhaps you should send a few to Remuda Ranch? Or Center For Hope of the Sierras? Alexian Brothers' ED Unit? Insight's ED Program? I'm pretty positive that thought GOT me into treatment at all the aforementioned facilities. I convinced myself that life meant nothing, unless my body resembled that of a preteen boy. In my malnourished state, this thin ideal became my life.
Can I tell you what skinny feels like, as a recovering anorexic? Well, I sure as hell didn't feel good. Skeletal and pale, I looked like a mess. My friend commented that he could see the muscles in my face when I smiled, as my lack of fat made me gaunt and my cheeks sunken. Holding an intelligent conversation while starving one's self is impossible. Listening to anyone for more than 30 seconds seemed overwhelming, as I'd forget the topic at hand. I did lots of nodding and staring into space while friends chatted, sucking in my stomach the entire time and covertly grabbing my imaginary love handles (which were actually my hipbones jutting out).
Starving myself was exhausting. Sleeping 24 hours a day seems like fun...until you try it after eating practically nothing for days on end. The ironic part of anorexic exhaustion is that sleeping becomes impossible. Apparently going to bed on an empty stomach meant hours of tossing and turning, with the occasional trip to the scale to remind me that I couldn't give up when there was still weight to lose. How did I function during the day? Caffeine and diet pills kept me somewhat alert by constantly giving me the feeling that my heart would explode. Lets face it, a 3 yr old probably functioned better than I did.
After paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to various treatment centers over the years, I try and remind myself of some of the not so cool effects of my Skinny thinking. Missing a good friend's wedding because of my Eating Disorder? THAT certainly didn't feel good. It felt pretty damn selfish.
Does this sound amazing Mr. Adler? Maybe you can knit a pillow that says something like "Skinny feels like shit, so eat some fucking cake".